MerrieB’s Babymaking Adventures

We’ve hit the second trimester! I am 14 weeks pregnant now. This is supposedly when I start feeling great. Hasn’t completely happened yet. I do have more energy. But I’ll have a great day with no nausea, then turn around and be sick the next day. Thankfully this is also the time when our miscarriage risk decreases dramatically.

We had the Nuchal Fold Test done a couple weeks ago. Still waiting for the blood work results, which I should find out on Friday, but the ultrasound looked great – all was within normal ranges. I can’t tell you what a relief it is to have those ultrasounds. You can see the baby, hear the heartbeat and be reassured that everything is fine. Particularly, because we aren’t far along enough yet to sense any fetal movement.

The weirdest thing that’s happening is I wake up every morning around 3 or 3:30 to pee but sometimse have a hard time falling back asleep. The first time I was thinking about baby names. I have always had to spell my name for people, but now with Watmough, I have to do it even more often! My mind was racing that our child should have a normal first name, since it will constantly have to spell our last name. And Grace was the name that popped into my head. So then I spent an hour obsessing about how I could talk my husband into that name.

Last night, same thing, only it was wills and guardians. We don’t have wills. I’ve been saying we need to do that since we got married, but with the baby on it’s way, its more important than ever. But we also need to figure out who to pick as the guardian should something happen to us. This could get complicated.

Plus we have to get the house ready, which means finally putting down the wood flooring. Because it’s in the nursery. All 28 boxes of it. But to do that we’ve got to clean out the garage so we have some place to move furniture while installation is happening. Do you see how complex this all ends up being? I have made the first step though – Purple Heart is coming Thursday to get the donation stuff from our garage. I was really hoping to have the flooring down by December, but we’ve got to get moving if that’s going to happen.

On top of all my worrying, I’m working full time. ACK! I need a vacation. Only it’d end up being a “get stuff done”-cation.

So the worst thing I read today was this:

Imported soft cheeses may contain bacteria called Listeria, which can cause miscarriage. Listeria has the ability to cross the placenta and may infect the baby leading to infection or blood poisoning, which can be life-threatening. You would need to avoid soft cheeses such as: Brie, Camembert, Roquefort, Feta, Gorgonzola and Mexican style cheeses that include queso blanco and queso fresco, unless they clearly state that they are made from pasteurized milk. All soft non-imported cheeses made with pasteurized milk are safe to eat. (source)

I love me some cheese, particularly stinky cheese.

No sooner do I write a self pitying post than something odd happens.

I’m pregnant.  5 weeks pregnant, or 6 depending on which site I use.

Holy crap.  It was the last thing we thought would happen.  I was ready to give up and throw in the towel.  I was *this close* to it.

So how did this happen?  Apparently all we needed to do was have a weekend of debauchery in New Orleans.  I think I’m going to call the baby our extra souvenir. 

I’m a little nervous about making this public so early, but the reality is that our struggle to get here has been so public that I’m not sure I could keep it in if I wanted to. Besides, we’ve told nearly everyone we know already. All the family knows, most of our close friends know.

I’m very worried about the chance of a miscarriage, but I’m trying to think happy, positive thoughts.  I’m not reading the internet stuff about miscarriage anymore – it will scare the shit out of you.

We had our first doctor’s appointment.  She’s nice, answered my questions and my husband’s questions. A bit of a scary moment when she mentioned genetic counseling, because I’ll be 35 when I deliver. “Advanced Maternal Age.” For real – the exact words used.

I’ve got my first ultrasound scheduled for 2 weeks.  To check the baby’s heartbeat and make sure it’s a “viable pregnancy” (again, exact wordage!).  I think that will make it all real.  It feels like a dream right now.

Being an infertile is tough.  For one thing, babies and or pregnancies are everywhere.  Books, movies, TV, internet, facebook, Twitter, news.  Secondly, getting your hopes up month after month after month, only to be disappointed and have them dashed again is wearing on anyone’s mental state.  My life has become a constant roller coaster of disappointment.

Life sometimes feels like a constant barrage of what I cannot have.  I haven’t figured out how to cope with that yet.  It feels like a smack in the face.  One minute I’ll be fine, just going along my merry way, and Boom! Smack! Instant heartache. Every time I read/hear that someone else is pregnant, I feel a stab through my heart.  I grieve every month when I realize I’m not pregnant again.  The “why not me?” feeling when I see another celebrity is pregnant.

Our situation hasn’t changed in the last 6 months since I’ve posted.  I’m still the sole breadwinner in the family.  I still don’t (and won’t) have any insurance coverage for IVF.  I still can’t get pregnant.  My life is so very far from where I thought I’d be 3 years ago.  Sometimes that is a blessing, but I don’t feel that way in this case.

After wallowing for the last couple of months, I’m trying to change my thinking. I’m trying to be happy again.  I’m trying to find joy in my life again.  Mostly, I’m just trying to find a way to cope with the life I have, rather than the one I want.  It isn’t easy.

To tell, or not to tell. That is the question on my mind today.

I see many posts on various boards in which people admit they haven’t told even their families about their infertility struggles.  That got me thinking.  I’m extremely open about our problems – obviously, by virtue of this blog.  But the fact is, it helps me to talk about it.  As in, helps keep me off meds to talk about it.  Our immediate family all know, our friends all know.  Hell, last week I talked about it to complete strangers I’d just met. (Hi Dakota!)

I don’t hide our struggle with infertility because it would take too much effort.  Particularly since we’ve been at it two years.   I hope the word gets passed along to those kind-hearted people who might see me at the grocery store and ask that dreaded question: “So when are you going to have kids?”  I’m sure my mother has fielded some questions, and that’s ok with me.  Having my family know and able to answer questions takes some of the pressure off me.

Let me be clear, even though I’m open about us suffering from infertility, there is a line I won’t cross.  I’m not telling people intimate details about our love life or anything like that.  And when we were ruling out male factor infertility, I was careful to be sensitive to my husband when sharing information.  But the fact that we have infertility, testing, and diagnosis, even our next steps or treatment, I’ll tell the world.   I don’t want to feel ashamed that I’m infertile.

Where do you stand?  Do you talk about it?  Or not and why?

Sometimes all that TTC entails can be a bit overwhelming and take over your life.  I’m trying to find other things to focus on.   I booked an Alaskan cruise yesterday so travel plans are figuring heavy into  my time!  We’re traveling in May with my parents (who paid for our airfare using miles).  I’ll have the trip to plan and a budget to create and stick to.

I’m so excited. This is a trip I’ve wanted to do for a long time, and we got a deal on our stateroom, so we splurged a little and got a balcony.  A Balcony.  My first cruise I didn’t even have a window because we were traveling cheap.

It’s amazing how much your outlook can change when you have something to look forward to!  The fact that I should be ovulating during our trip could be a good thing.  Maybe we need less stress and a change of scenery.

Today I just want to scream in frustration that everyone around me seems to be getting knocked up without any issues. What the hell is going on?! Two years now we’ve been at this with nothing to show for it but stress and a “we don’t know why you can’t get pregnant.”

I’ve recently come across a number of infertility/ttc people on Twitter.  If you use the service, here’s a list of people you may want to follow.  In addition, there’s a search function at search.twitter.com where you can search conversations for keywords.

FertilityAuthor

MyFertilityPlan

Clearblue_Easy

CNYFertility

Conceive

Please give me a shout if you find any more!

My husband’s ovulation tracker application is now available in a free Lite version!  Just search the iTunes store for FemCal Lite.  You can only view 2 months of data, but it’s a good way to try the software before you buy the full version.